Towards the end of Week 4: Feeling Invisible

It is a thursday, tomorrow is Friday and there is the weekend...

Spring quarter is always the worst for me. That is when my mood turns completely sour and everything human interaction is apathetic and cold. For the last three weeks, I have been living in a quiet daze going to my classes, research, work, sleep repeat? What is laughter? What is eating food? What is enjoying the last quarter of my junior year? I talk to people I have to talk to. I act like I am fine and pretended that I am not upset and definitely not unhappy. In reality I am scared of people, I avoid conversation with people - especially new people (because they don't know me, they will judge me and they will hurt me). And that does happen. People get to know me, they promise to never misunderstand me or disappear from my life (because separation is so hard). Then they act like they don't know me when I was  hurt. And finally poof. If the "friends" that I have made really care, why do they have to disappear just because they couldn't help? Worst, talk negatively about me to others so eventually I have to hear about it. For this very reason from my past present and future, I am afraid of new people. I don't like making close friends. I am not willing to let others into my life, I am not open to talking about myself or caring about what others have to say. Why invest so much so that in the end you are left all alone?  I want to go out and meet my future significant others but I am too cynical, not willing to invest too afraid to say a word. If you live like this you would be cynical too. Just be yourself don't express your opinions too much. Just smile like everything is great so people can't hurt you. So you won't be afraid.

Chemistry 30C is a total mess. Why study and pay for tutoring when you still do terriblely? Just fail on purpose and retake the class. :/

Yep definitely taking a real gap year to study for mcat.

What is bothering me in order of importance.
1. The fact that I am bothered.
2. Chem30c
3. People

See? People are the last on my list yet. Bothers me more when I am bothered.

Well listen to this song.

It reminds me of a person that I defended and for that reason here I am today upset. Perhaps I did the right thing to defend him. Is it worth it?